


it just doesn't seem like a night out with no one sizing you up

by orphan_account



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Gen, Genderfluid Character, Multi, Nonbinary Character, Pangender Character, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, Transgender
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-19
Updated: 2014-09-01
Packaged: 2018-01-25 18:29:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1658207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ray Narvaez Jr. has felt out of it since they were young. Nothing ever seemed right- girl, boy, none of the labels fit. Until one night, Ray stumbled upon a new word: Nonbinary. That's when everything changed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story is a work of fiction, based on the personalities from Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter. It's not meant to offend or hurt anyone.
> 
> Chapter 1 Trigger Warnings: transphobia, use of the t-slur, mention of use of f-slur (though not mentioned explicitly), dysphoria, food mention. I'm hoping to do several more chapters. Perhaps updating soon!

Sometimes Ray wakes up and feels wrong. Everything about them feels out of place- their clothes, their face, even their limbs, all of them splayed out the wrong way. They just close their eyes and hit the snooze and force themself to try and sleep again.

Sometimes Ray will wake up and wish their flat chest wasn’t so flat, their hips were wider, their voice higher.

Sometimes Ray will wake up and want to wear a skirt to work. Sometimes Ray will wake up and want to put on mascara. Sometimes Ray will wake up with the desire to shave their beard. Sometimes Ray will wake up and their skin won’t fit properly and everything feels too tight and they’ll wish they could just be perfectly in the middle, that no one would assume anything about their gender.

Sometimes Ray wishes they could just be like everyone else.

*** 

The first time Ray told anyone, they could feel the blood freeze in their veins and their heart stop pumping. The first time Ray told anyone, their breath quickened until they were sure that everything had stopped and they didn’t even know who they were anymore.

“That’s cool, Ray. Thanks for telling me. I— I think it’s awesome.” Kerry smiles this big wide smile at them, and Ray just breathes a sigh of relief and lets a small grin spread across their cheeks.

***

They see him whispering to his daughter, staring at them wearing a skirt, beard as present as ever. The street’s nearly empty, so empty Ray can hear every one of their footsteps echo and they hurry past the two as fast as they can.

“Look at that tranny, what a freak.” He whispers to her, and Ray can feel their blood boil and they close their eyes and keep walking, face red and head down.

***

“Fuck, fuck, fuck.”

They tear the post offline as fast as they can, but they know that at least a thousand eyes have already seen it. When you use the wrong twitter account to post about being trans, it doesn’t end well. They know that. They know that more than anyone else can, but they just squeeze their eyes shut and wait till the next morning to call in sick.

***

No one says anything two days after that, when Ray comes in sweaty and nervous, covering themself up as best as they can, two hoodies and baggy jeans, desperate to pretend none of it had ever happened.

When Michael looks at Ray he doesn’t seem to notice anything, just greets them and continues chatting with Gavin. When Geoff waves hello, nothing in his gaze even hints at concern.

Ray plants themself in their chair and breathes a sigh of relief, letting themself relax into their usual role of good-at-games, ridiculous guy.

That could be my superhero name, Ray thinks gleefully, Well, if I didn’t already have one.

Everything seems normal, running through a game of GTA V, editing a video, retorting to Geoff’s question of his sickness with the usual- “Blazed a little too much”, searching the web for the worst pornstar name possible, up until lunch, when Burnie says, “So, who hacked into your account?”

“What?”

“The post about being trans, dude. Who hacked into your account and said you were ‘nonbinary’ or whatever.”

Ray’s about to correct him when they think about that guy on the street, telling his daughter what a freak they are. That shuts them up real fast.

“I don’t know. Some asshole, probably.” Ray laughs a hollow laugh and gets out as fast as they can, making up some bullshit excuse about meeting Kerry.

As soon as Ray rounds a corner, running for the nearest bathroom, someone shows up and pulls them into the closest open door, which happens to be a broom closet. The light flickers on enough that Ray can see Kerry’s hair gleam a little, and Ray know it’s safe.

“Kerry, I— I need to get out of here. I accidentally— I mean, not accidentally but on the wrong— I mean, I just couldn’t— I—”

“Ray, it’s okay, calm down I know, I— I kind of just did the same thing and I have no clue what to do, oh god, oh god. I’m so fucking dead, Jesus Christ—”

“Wait, what did you do?” Ray cocks their head.

“I accidentally— Okay, background information. I’m— Well, I’m trans, I mean not nonbinary, um, how do I— I’m. Okay, I’m going to start over. Um,” Kerry breathes deeply and runs fingers through his already disheveled hair. “Well, I’m a trans guy like, y’know DFAB and all that shit  and I— Well, Matt was talking about your tweet and then I started to tell him about it— I mean, I didn’t say anything, really, but I kind of hinted at it before I stopped myself. And then I came running here and it’s a good thing I ran into you ‘cause I was thinking I should leave, like, right now, and if you’re going too, then we can go together. Y’know, it can be an adventure. We can sneak around.”

Ray grins, glad to have companionship in something, and begins to look around for a way out. “Okay, so do you think we can just walk out the front door, or do we have to elaborately escape through the sewers or some shit?”

“I like the vents, I think they make things a lot more mysterious and—”

That’s when Ray grabs his arm and pulls him out the door of the broom closet. The hallway’s empty, so obviously Ray pushes both of their backs up against the wall, inching forward and looking both ways. Kerry grips their arm tightly, making more noise than he should— “Shit, sorry, that desk came out of nowhere—” and tripping over things. Eventually they do make it to the front door, past Kara, who doesn’t even question anything they’re doing, and Jack, who just laughs and keeps walking.

The first gulp of air is more freeing than Ray would’ve ever thought possible, and they run to Kerry’s car, waiting for Kerry to unlock it. He does so giddily, pulling the car door shut behind himself and letting himself settle into the seat. Then he laughs, long and hard, and Ray can’t help but laugh too, long peals of laughter filling the empty air, and all of a sudden everything seems funny. And then Kerry takes off his sweatshirt to reveal a trans pride shirt underneath, and for some reason that makes everything funnier.

***

Ray and Kerry spend the whole weekend at Ray’s place, drinking juice boxes and playing Super Smash Bros. They feel like little kids, but as Kerry points out, “At least this time it’s not me in the skirt.” They sit for hours and fall asleep leaning on each other. They talk about anything and everything but Monday, revealing stories of gender and sexuality crises, favorite movies, bullying, new books, assholes, family. Ray even tells Kerry about the guy on the street, and Kerry gets so angry that Ray swears that he’ll Hulk out.

“What an asshole! I mean, it’s one thing to say that at all. It’s another to say it to a young and impressionable child. If I knew who he was he’d be dead, I swear. To make you so upset, just— What a fuckwad.”

Ray likes the feeling of someone knowing about them, who they are, and still treating them the same as before. Ray just wishes they could be okay with telling someone else.

***

Ray wakes up on Monday, and the weight of their tongue in their mouth doesn’t feel right. They slowly blink their eyes open and immediately think, I’m a girl. And directly after, she thinks, Fuck.

Ray wakes up Kerry by pushing him off the couch and then rolling him to the base of the kitchen table, where he finally awakens.

“Hey, Ray.”

“She/her pronouns today, dude.”

“What?” Kerry blinks blearily, rubs his eyes, and then shakes his head, finally pulling himself up to a chair and climbing in.   
  
“She/her, today, okay? I’m just feeling it.” Ray grabs a box of cereal from the shelf and she pushes it in front of Kerry, along with a bowl, spoon, and milk.

“Alright. Got it, she/her today.”

Ray sits down to join him, and they eat their cereal in companionable silence, before they head out the door, Ray throwing an extra sweatshirt of hers to Kerry. They’re in the car when Kerry says it.

“How did you— I mean, how did you figure out you were nonbinary?”

Ray breathes in deeply, pushing atmosphere into her lungs, letting it back out into the still air. “Uh, it’s kind of a long story.”

“We have time. We’re early. How did it happen?” Kerry gives Ray a small encouraging smile, glancing at her before looking back to the road.

“I never really felt comfortable in my own skin, you know? I always felt a little off. Even on days when I was okay with being called a dude, I wouldn’t really feel right. I didn’t feel the way I was supposed to feel. When I turned sixteen, my mom she, uh—” Ray licks her lips, lets her breath come out a little ragged, a little labored, “She found me wearing, uh, wearing a skirt. She’d found me with guys before and— and I guess this was the last straw. She called me a, y’know, a—”

She looks over at Kerry, as if asking if she had to say it. He shakes his head and she sighs in relief.

“She called me a, the f-word. I mean, not fuck, but the other one. And then, she kicked me out. I went to school, I didn’t drop out or anything, and I lived at a friend’s house. But, I didn’t have good enough grades to get any scholarships, so I worked at Safeway after high school. Wasn’t great pay, but I did what I had to do. I, uh, I signed up as female and everyone just accepted it. I would buy bras just to stuff them. But I still didn’t feel comfortable. I felt out of it. One day, I just forgot to wear a bra. I hadn’t shaved either and I guess I should’ve felt bad or, at least, worse than I did. I felt comfortable again. I mean, my manager fired me and called me the t-word, but at least I had kind of figured something out. So, I applied to GameStop as a dude and wore loose clothes everyday and felt kind of okay. I started looking stuff up, all of the gender stuff, and a lot of stuff didn’t mention much, but this one site had all this information about trans people and that’s when I found it."

“Found what?” Kerry asks, nodding a little.

Ray smiles a bit, "Nonbinary. And a bunch of pronouns. There were even links to forums where I met other nonbinary people. Well, not met, but talked to. They told me about even more pronouns and resources and soon I was talking about my experiences and all of a sudden I was Ray, the nonbinary person. I started talking to nonbinary teenagers, about how they should deal with stuff. I made a twitter and talked about how tough stuff was. We just talk. It’s nice to be relaxed. It lists my pronouns and my name—”

“What name?”

“Ray. I kept my birth name. Something about it just feels… right, you know? It always makes me think back to when I was a kid and my dad used to call me his ‘little ray of sunshine’. I always loved that. I always loved being a ray of sunshine, I guess.” She looks over at Kerry, who’s now grinning wildly. “Oh, shut up.”

Kerry shakes his head, still grinning, and puts one hand up in mock defense. “I didn’t say anything.”

Ray shakes her head. “Somewhere along the way I got picked up by Rooster Teeth and I met you and all of the others. And now..." Ray sighs. "I fucked up now after years of this secrecy. That’s kinda my life, I guess. I’m sort of a double agent. Or Hannah Montana. I guess it depends how you look at it.”

Kerry laughs a little bit at that last comment, but quiets quickly,“Thanks for— Thanks for telling me." Kerry reaches over and grabs Ray’s arm, "I’m sorry it was so tough for you.”

“Hey, it’s fine, I mean, it happened a while ago.”

They pull into the parking lot and Kerry murmurs, “Perfect timing," just as they see Matt pull up.

“You wanna wait till he goes in?” Ray asks, her voice nearly dripping with worry.

“Nah, it’s okay.” Kerry goes to open the door, thinks better of it, and sinks back down in his seat. “Maybe we should wait.”

As they sit there, waiting till Matt walks to the building, Ray turns to Kerry and grins, “Will you do something for me?”

***

“Wait, so you’re saying you can do all that? Nice try.” Kerry’s practically yelling it, and unsurprisingly everyone in the kitchen looks up.

“If I can’t, you can, uh, you can… You can put me in a skirt.”

Kerry laughs and smiles widely, “For how long?”

“I don’t know, three days?”

“And what do you get if you win?”

“Not wearing a skirt is a pretty big reward, I would say.”

“You’re on.”

“Hey, what is it?” Geoff asks, cocking his head.

“Oh. Ray says that he,” Kerry winces a little even saying that, but continues, “can run around the building three times before a car can even go around once.”

She nods, “You bet I can. I’m like fucking Speedy Gonzalez.”

“If he doesn’t do it he has to wear a skirt to work for three days.” Kerry smiles, “Plus, facebook and twitter pictures of course.”

Jack grins, “Awesome. I’m betting on the car.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is literally just general fluff and building of romance and shit. Have fun.

When Ray first day dreams of kissing Michael, they’re filming a Let’s Play. Michael’s talking about what he did the weekend before while they all plant explosives on cars and all Ray processes is that Michael’s grin is shining through his speech and that his words sound good even when they’re tangled up. That’s when they realize they want to be the reason for those tangles, they want to be the reason for the stutters, the broken words, the sentences that trail into nothing. They want to be the reason for the abrupt end, for the cut off, the made up tongue twisters, phrases that could never exist.

A car explodes on screen and **MLP Michael Blew Up** flashes on Ray’s computer, along with a shriek of, “WHAT THE FUCK GEOFF?” and a chain of laughter that only continues with Michael’s screams.

_When did I get to be such a sensitive fucker?_ Ray thinks to themself, hoping that the feeling rising in their stomach isn’t what they think it is.

***

Ray spends hours of their time on tumblr, just going through the fanfictions, the pictures, people who love them, who hate them.

Ray will wade through it all, everything, just to see what others think of them. It always ends with shaking their head and sitting for an hour, looking down at their hands in their lap and thinking, _Why am I like this?_

***

When Ray wakes up on Tuesday, they immediately send Kerry a text about today’s pronouns (they/them), grab one of their new skirts, and trim their beard a little bit. Kerry and their twitter accounts were both full of selfies from skirt-shopping yesterday. Today was the first of three days where Kerry and Ray’s ‘bet’ was being paid off. When they look in the mirror they grin wildly at the thought of being able to go to work wearing something that made them feel free.

A loud beep interrupts their thoughts and they rush downstairs and outside to find Michael’s car parked out front and Michael staring at them.

Michael grins immensely, “Damn, you guys really were serious.”

“Of course. X-Ray never lies.” Ray strikes a pose and Michael laughs, pulling out his iPhone and snapping a picture.

“That’s one for the history books.”

***

When Ray gets to work they spend the whole day grinning, taking overly dramatic and posed pictures in their skirt. Kerry takes most of them and it seems that every single fan is extremely happy about it.

Michael comes in and takes a couple, laughing the whole time at Ray’s ridiculous faces.

“Hey, you wanna come over after work and play video games, asshole?” Michael grins.

“If I can bring the skirt then yes, definitely. If not then I call for rebellion. Revolu-tion, rev-o-lu-tion, REV-O-LU-TION, REV-O-LU-TION!” Ray continues to chant until both Kerry and them are jumping around and chanting it loudly.

Michael chuckles and nods, continuing to take pictures.

***

When Ray goes to Michael’s apartment, the only thing they can think about is Michael’s dimples and they just want to throw themselves right back out. In fact they’re just about to when Michael answers the door, grinning.

“Hey, Ray! Welcome to my humble abode.” Michael bows like he’s in the fucking Sistine Chapel and Ray wants to defenestrate themself right now because Ray wants to sweep him off his feet with a kiss like a fucking romance novel and _holy shit when did I turn into this?_

Ray shakes their head, walking past Michael and plopping themself down onto the couch, “What’re we doing tonight, Micoo?” Ray jokes, grinning at the British accent they just pulled.

“I thought maybe some CoD and then some shitty movies. I rented some foreign parody of Rocky Horror and I swear it might make you choke on your own cockiness.” Michael grins like he didn’t even say that, and Ray can’t stand it when he does that because it isn’t even fair.

“I guess it’s specially made for you then, huh?” Ray barely even flinches when Michael swats at their arm and jumps onto the couch, readying himself for angry screams and anything but killing streaks.

***

Ray wakes up on Michael’s couch, looks down to their skirt and smiles. They can feel their phone buzz in their pocket, and they reach for it, fishing it from within the rest of the contents within their sweatshirt pocket.

_Have fun with the boyf last night, Ray?_ Ray rolls their eyes, quickly typing a noncommittal reply about Kerry, referring to his Xbox as his boyfriend, and then closes their phone to go awaken the Kraken.

This nickname is actually fairly accurate because the way Michael Jones wakes up involves lots of prodding and flailing from both parties, with some fuck you’s and shitface’s thrown in. In the end, Michael gets up with promises of coffee and his glasses (it’s a long story).

Michael sits over his cereal squinting grumpily and pretending like he doesn’t hear Ray going on and on about how ridiculous the movie they watched last night was. Michael grumbles something about how the lights are too bright and Ray grins.

“See, this is exactly why I don’t drink.”

Michael glares at Ray, “Shut up. You don’t even know the joys of being drunk.”

“True, but that means I know the joys of watching everyone else make total fools out of themselves.”

Michael flips Ray off, to which Ray cheerfully responds with the same.

*** 

Michael cheers up at work, though it might be because of the ear plugs he procured. Ray gets to work wearing the skirt yet again, but by now it’s lost some of its sparkle. Still, it gets a special mention in the Let’s Play they’re doing and Jack makes some comment about how great Ray’s legs look to which Ray nods and says, “Yeah, gotta keep them in shape just in case I lose a bet and need to wear a skirt for three days. Y’know, the usual situations.”

Gavin spends the entirety of the Let’s Play making a fool of himself, but then again he does that every Let’s Play, so it’s not much different than usual. Still, he’s been causing Ray the fall off of numerous cliffs, and they’re getting a bit frustrated.

“Gavin, maybe you could, you know, not throw me off a cliff this time.”

Gavin responds by pushing Ray off a cliff.

“JESUS CHRIST, GAVIN.” And the next thing Ray knows, they’re on top of Gavin, pummeling him.

“Gwakchu,” Gavin points out, eloquently, flailing about.

Ray climbs off Gavin, running fingers through their hair.

“...And that’s it for this, Let’s Play.” Geoff concludes, grinning.

“We’re ending it on a good note. Gay sex, everyone. Wonderful finish.” Michael adds.

“That’s what she said.” Ray slips in, and Ryan chuckles.

They all finish recording and email the files to Gavin. Ray leans back in their chair, resting their head against their palms.

“Damn, I think Ray tackling me while wearing a skirt might be the hottest thing that’s ever happened to me.” Everyone in the room laughs, and Gavin leans forward and begins to select clips for editing.

“Gav, wanna grab lunch?”

“Yeah, gimme a sec, Ray, and then we can go.” Gav gets up and stretches, and then heads out the door to the bathroom.

Ray waits awkwardly till Gavin gets out and then they head out together, thinking of food and for some reason astronauts, and Ray barely even notices when Gavin’s hand brushes against theirs, but they do.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so this chapter's trigger warnings: dysphoria, breathing issues, drugs mention (just the word blazing). Okay, that's about it. Hope you enjoy it because I had a lot of fun with this chapter and it was great to get a chance to write some with fae/faer pronouns! Hope you like it! Bye!

Ray can’t stop tossing and turning, no matter what fae does. Faer arms and legs are almost floating, weightless and gone, fae feels like no matter what fae does, fae’ll still be there, levitating like some kind of fucking magician.

_What the fuck is happening?_ Ray thinks to faerself, but all of a sudden it hits faer- _I’m nothing_.

It comes as a blow and Ray keels over as if fae has really been hit and suddenly all of the air that was pushing through faer has been shoved out, leaving faer breathless and hopeless. Fae closes faer eyes, hoping as hard as fae can that soon it’ll be over, but the tears keep coming and the cycling in faer head doesn’t stop and all that fae can think of are the lilting gasps for breath that fae can hear coming from faerself and the fact that _I will never fit in_.

***

Fae wakes up, pulling faerself from the abyss, and all fae wishes is to sleep all day and let the day be left alone to the others. Still, fae knows in the back of faer mind that fae took a sick day last week and another one would be a little too much. Fae pushes faerself up and suddenly fae’s staring in the mirror at faer scruff and red eyes and lopsided glasses and something inside faer snaps.

Next thing fae knows, fae’s hand is clutching an electric razor and fae can see faer beard slowly coming off faer face. Ray washes faer chin and the person staring back at faer looks so unlike Ray that faer grin widens impossibly against faer cheeks. Ray musses faer hair and smacks on mascara and a little lip gloss and there fae is in all faer glory- someone Ray is okay with being.

_If this is the last day I get to wear a skirt to work, and it’s going to go out with a bang._

***

When Ray climbs into Geoff’s car, Geoff grins manically and says, “Damn, are you wearing mascara?”

Ray smiles back and answers, “Nah, it’s just my gorgeous natural lashes. Easy, breezy, blazing, covergirl.”

Gavin laughs at this and stares back to see what Geoff’s talking about and immediately his face turns slightly serious, the glint in his eyes becoming something Ray can’t quite recognize. Ray can feel faer chest inflate and faer heart begins pounding in a way that reminds Ray of a rabbit’s before fae opens faer mouth to utter a retort.

“Hey, Vav, is that a pen in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?” Gav laughs and turns back around, as if none of that had ever happened. And from Geoff’s silence, nothing did happen.

_So then, why am I worrying about this so much?_

***

When Ray catches Michael staring at faer, it becomes too much. “I know you want me, Michael, but please, we’re at work.” Michael turns around immediately, laughing, and is it just me or is that nervous laughter?

Ray shakes faer head, knowing that fae’s just being paranoid but there’s something about the way this day is going that seems off to faer, so fae just tries to calm faerself down, staring at faer computer screen blankly for a minute or so.

“You okay, buddy?” Geoff’s standing next to faer chair, a concerned look spread across his face.

“Yeah, yeah… I’m, uh, I’m alright. I just feel kind of, um, weird.” Ray looks up at Geoff, and the genuine worry is what makes Ray do it, “Wait- no. I’m not okay. Um, could I talk to you in the break room or something?”

“Right now?”

“Yeah,” Ray gulps, “Right now.”

Geoff smiles a little and shrugs, following Ray out of the room. Ray can feel faer stomach churning and for some reason, everything feels out of place. Ray indicates the, luckily, empty break room to Geoff with a slight nod of faer head and he steps forward into the room, Ray on his tail, shutting the door and locking it behind faer.

“Ray, what’s up, what’s going on-”

And the next thing Ray knows fae’s sobbing, head in faer hands, “Fuck, Geoff, fuck, fuck, fuck.” Faer breath is shallow, every inch of faer tingling in a way that makes faer feel distant from everything.

“Hey, hey, Ray, look at me, hey.” Geoff’s arms are holding faers, and Ray lifts faer head enough to look into his eyes, “Yeah, that’s right, buddy. It’s gonna be okay.”

Ray collapses, clutching Geoff to hold faer up, and murmurs, “I’m trans, Geoff. I’m fucking trans.” Ray gasps, “Oh god, please don’t leave.”

Ray can feel Geoff’s arms tighten around faer and Ray pushes faer face deep into Geoff’s t-shirt.

“Ray, it’s alright. I’m not going anywhere.” Geoff’s hand goes to Ray’s head and cards his fingers through faer hair.

Ray wants to stay suspended in those words forever.

***

Geoff and Kerry come over after work and Ray feels the happiest fae’s ever felt. They spend the whole time joking around and eating junk food, teasing Ray and generally treating faer like their little sibling, even though Kerry is younger than faer, which Ray points out several times, and yet it seems to make no difference. Two hours later, Kerry’s already asleep on Ray’s couch and Geoff looks at Ray and fae has no clue what that look means.

“Ray, I, uh, just wanted to tell you… Something. Shit, sorry.” Geoff rubs his eyes, and Ray can’t help but make a joke.

“Few too many bevs, huh, Geoff? Wanna take a nap?”

Geoff shakes his head a little, grinning, and says “I just wanted to say, you, you aren’t alone.”

“Uh, in what?”

“This whole thing. Being trans. Being scared. There are so many people who are with you, who are supporting you. I’m so sorry that the only way you could feel comfortable was a fake fucking bet. Jesus Christ. I’m so sorry about everything that’s happened to make you feel like you can’t trust the people around you. But, I just want to let you know that we’re here. We’re here to help you along and to make sure you’re alright. To make sure you’re comfortable. I’m here and everyone’s behind me in saying that we love you. And support you. Just, um, just remember that.”

Ray’s speechless for a moment before fae says, “Geoff, that got a little bit gay.”

Geoff laughs out loud, filling the apartment when his phone jingles, “That means Griffon’s here. Bye, bud.” Geoff pulls himself up and hugs Ray hard, Ray taking no time to hug him back. “Remember what I said, okay, kid?”

Ray can still feel Geoff’s hand on faer shoulder long after Geoff leaves and Geoff’s words echo in faer head. _You aren’t alone._

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger/Content warnings for chapter: PDA, alcohol mention.
> 
> It ends in a lil bit of a cliff-hanger woops sorry, not sorry. Sorry it's a bit short, but I was getting worried about how to continue, so I'm just leaving this chapter at that. Enjoy!

When Monday rolls around once again, Ray actually feels okay. When they look in their mirror the stubble seems almost comforting, something normal to tie them down. Ray stares longingly at their array of skirts, but doesn’t dare wear them, pulling on a pair of jeans instead. A beep shoves its way into their thoughts and Ray runs down to find Michael smiling at them through the car window.

“Get in, loser, we’re going shopping.” Michael says in a valley girl tone and Ray chuckles before quickly seating themself.

When Michael pulls over only halfway to work, Ray doesn’t know what’s going on.

“Michael, uh… Why are we pulled over?” Ray asks, shaking their head and looking around.

“I, uh, I wanted to, um, ask you something.”

Ray cringes, desperately hoping it isn’t what they think it is.

“Um, Kerry told me about him being, you know, a trans guy and all that stuff. And, I, uh, he said you knew too, so I, um, figured you’d sort of be safe, I guess, safe to tell.”

“To tell what?” Ray asks, cocking their head to the side.

“I’m, uh. Shit, never mind, let’s just go, this was a bad idea.” Michael reaches for the car keys, but Ray put their hand over his, and nods.

“You can tell me, Michael. It’s okay.” Ray smiles their big smile, “Only if you’re okay with it, of course. If you really don’t want to talk about it that’s alright.” They shrug, and nod a little bit.

“It’s just that, uh, I’m. Well, I’m trans. Not a trans dude, I’m— Okay so, do you know about, um, nonbinary? Like, trans people who are in between male and female or fit outside that in some ways? I’m a nonbinary person. Well, specifically I’m genderfluid. Y’know? It’s kind of what it sounds like, my gender’s fluid and sometimes I feel male and other times female and a lot of the time kind of in between and it’s hard to talk about because so many people just don’t know or understand and I don’t know if you will even understand or know, I just kind of thought maybe—”

But then, Ray cuts Michael off with a kiss and a hand is tangled in his hair, and the only thing Michael can hear is the pounding of his heart and the rustle of clothes brushing together. When they part, they both are breathing heavily and Ray grins and says, “I’ve been wanting to do that for a long time.”

Michael smiles at this and laughs, staring up to the roof of the car, “Trust me, me too.”

“Um… I kind of need to tell you something too.” Ray says, searching for the right words, “I’m nonbinary also. Not out at all, literally only to Kerry, Geoff, and now you, I guess. But, yeah. I kind of did the same thing when I came out to Kerry. A lot of stuttering, and I was just kind of nervous as hell, and I guess seeing you go through the whole thing I kind of really wanted to, you know, kiss you. Reassure you.”

“You kissed Kerry?”

“Oh, fuck no. No, no, no.” Ray feels nervous until they see the little smile hiding beneath Michael’s words.

Michael sighs a little, maybe from relief and maybe to hide a laugh, Ray’s not very sure. “Thanks, for everything. The kiss, the reassurance, just, everything. What are your, uh, pronouns?”

“They/them, mostly. You?”

“Fae/faer, ze/zem, and he/him, usually. Um, right now, he/him, but it kind of changes?”

Ray smiles at him, joy glinting in their eyes, so happy to not be alone. The grin that Michael shoots back at Ray sticks in their mind till the back of his eyelids reflect Michael and all they can think about is the way Michael says their name.

***

Ray spends the whole day laughing at everything anyone says and making more jokes than they can count. They feel like they’re floating on a cloud every time they catch Michael looking at them. Gavin plays along the whole day, noticing nothing but that Ray is in a better mood and that X-Ray and Vav is a more active fighting duo. Ray kisses Michael’s cheek “accidentally” during AHWU, for all the fans to see.

“Great job, Ray. Raychael fans already have too much blackmail information, now look what you’ve done.” Michael says, trying as hard as he can to hide his grin.

After that Ray can’t help but pull Michael into the kitchen and maybe kiss him twelve times and maybe giggle more times than they have ever known to be possible.

Ray kisses Michael’s cheeks over and over and Michael is grinning and staring at the floor, a blush growing on his face, “You’re making me blush, you fucking idiot.”

Ray only laughs, murmuring, “Don’t make me try and think of a comeback, this is bullshit. I call for a recount.”

Matt comes in just then, the two of them laughing, their cheeks red and their hands nearly intertwined. He turns around and walks away, hands up in a mock surrender, hurling Ray and Michael into a new spurt of laughter.

***

Gavin comes over to Ray later that day and whispers, “Can I see you in the conference room? I really need to talk to you.”

Ray can tell immediately from the way his voice is shaking that it’s something serious and Ray just nods and gives Gav their hand and lets themself be pulled out the door. Michael sends a questioning look to them, but Ray only has time to shrug before he’s walking towards the conference room.

When they get there, Gavin just looks at Ray and murmurs, “Can I hug you?”

And Ray just grins a little and says, “Of course.” And they really, really mean it.

Gavin just leans in and hugs Ray as tightly as he can. Ray just hugs back and closes their eyes, when all of a sudden they can feel Gav shuddering.

“Woah, Vav, are you crying? What happened?”

Gavin just gives them this head shake against their shoulder, and Ray just tightens their grip and holds him.

***

Gavin comes over to Ray’s apartment after work, and Ray knows as soon as three words come out of his mouth that tonight’s gonna be some heavy shit.

“No drinking tonight.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, so I'm back again.
> 
> I like to take really long hiatuses not knowing what to do next and yeah. Sorry. Have fun with the chapter.
> 
> Content Warnings for romance, PDA, mention of parents, death mention, a little mention of anxiety.

 

Ray wakes up and at first they can’t imagine why Gavin is lying in their bed, but then everything comes rushing back.

They told Gavin everything.

Gavin told them everything.

_Ray had kissed Gavin Free._

 

***

Gavin rushed past Ray into the apartment, settling on the couch. Yet, there was something so different than every other time he’d done that. His arms were crossed, and his feet were firmly planted on the ground, rather than lounging on the coffee table as per usual. When Ray sat down next to Gavin, he shifted over a little, as if desperately trying to make space somehow.

“Uh, so, what d'you wanna talk about?” Ray says slowly, awkwardly trying to break the silence.

Gavin rubs his eyes hard and looks away, muttering, “Jesus Christ, Ray. I’m in too fucking deep.”

“What do you-”

“Can, you just, I don’t know. Give me a second to talk. I just need to. Talk. I feel like I’ve been trying to talk for years.”

Ray nods, instead of saying anything and a little smile crosses Gav’s face, acknowledging that this was the right thing to do.

“Um, well. Fuck. I feel fucking dead. Y’know? I mean, not actually you know. Not violently, but in a way that everyone and everything is just so far away. I mean, I just feel a disconnect with everything. But. You. Okay, you. And, Michael, but that’s kind of besides the point right now. Um… I’ve been going through some tough shit, and Dan’s not here, and they’re the only fucking hand I have to hold, you know? Ray, I think I’m fucking in _love_ with you, and not in the shitty superficial way you say to the person you just started dating or whatever the fuck, like this is real, this is something that just pushes its way into my skull and I can’t stop thinking about you, okay? Like, sometimes I won’t really _talk_ to you for days, and then we will and God, I won’t be able to think about anything else for weeks on end. X-Ray and Vav, right? I don’t know what else to say except that I’m so in love with you and that I’m such a mess of nothing and everything.”

Now it’s Ray’s turn to crouch over, hands over their face, and they answer, “Jesus, dude, you should write poetry or something.”

The silence crowds the room until it stifles Gavin to the point that he just kind of whispers, “Just tell me if you don’t love me, alright? I’ll leave and we can pretend this never happened.”

“Oh, fuck.” Ray says.

“Wha-”

Ray kisses Gavin long and hard on the mouth and it takes a full two seconds before he’s kissing back, tangling his fingers in Ray’s hair. Ray felt like they were on fire, Gavin’s fingers brushing their back and hair and everywhere, and Ray knows now that they’re in too deep but can not stop. Ray grips Gav’s hair, and Gavin grins into the kiss, until they’re both laughing for no good reason.

A comfortable silence comes and contented sighs fill the air, Gavin’s arm holding Ray close to him.

“...I’ve still got something to tell you.”

Ray turns to look at him, “What is it, Gav?”

“I’m, uh,  transgender.”

Ray does a double take, and stares straight into Gavin’s eyes, “What?!”

Gavin’s eyes widen and he scoots away from Ray, his breath quickening, “Uh, nothing, never mind, just forget it.” Gavin goes to get up and Ray grabs his hand and turns him toward themself.

“No, no, it’s not like that, Gav, it’s just. Shit, Gavin. I’m trans too.”

Gavin’s mouth gapes open and his eyes widen, “You’re not fucking with me are you?”

Ray shakes their head and Gavin sits back down on the couch and a little, “Oh,” escapes his mouth and then suddenly they’re kissing again, slowly and soft, Gavin’s hand on Ray’s lower back, Ray’s hand lost in Gav’s hair.

They spend the rest of the night talking. They don’t play any video games, instead scrounging for cereal in Ray’s kitchen, exchanging comments about pronouns and identities, laughing about stupid stories, and eventually laying on Ray’s bed, existential at three in the morning.

“So. You and Michael are-”

“Yup.”

“And me and you just-”

“Yup.” Ray replies again, mouth dry, guilt filling their mind.

Gavin sits up on his elbows, “You think Michael’s up, now?”

Ray thinks for a second before answering, “Yeah, I think so, why?”

“I’m calling him right now.”

“WHAT?!” Ray looks over at Gav who is now sitting up, with the phone pressed to his ear. Ray tries to wrestle the phone out of his hands, but Gav just turns the phone on speaker and holds it higher than Ray can reach.

“Hello?” Michael’s voice rasps through the speaker, obviously tired, but awake nonetheless.

“Michael, it’s your boi!” Gavin croons into the phone.

Michael sighs, “I know who it fucking is Gavin, I have caller ID, you idiot.”

Ray laughs at that, and Gavin replies, “Oh right.” while giggling somewhat hysterically, “Also Ray’s here.”

“Hey.” Ray says, calming immediately.

“Why the fuck are you calling me at 3 AM?”

“Um…” Ray’s tone is nervous, and they have no idea how the fuck to phrase anything anymore.

“Michael! I just wanted to call you to tell you that I’m in love with you! And Ray is, too, it’s true, they told me!”

“...Why could this not wait till morning?”

“Well, Ray was worried because they’re also in love with me and they were like, ‘I can’t be in love with two people I’m so awkward and also in love with my Xbox and Nintendo’.”

“Right. Hey, Ray, if you’re really worried we can talk tomorrow when I’m not dead. I’m sorry you’re upset, but let me just assure you, that as this fucking idiot has hopefully explained, it’s totally cool. Now, Gav, hang the fuck up.” Gav hangs up and giggles some more, Ray joining him at some point and they both find their way back to Ray’s bed.

“Did that really just happen?”

Gav nods, “Yup.”

“Fuck.” Ray laughs some more, filling the tiny room.

Gavin pulls Ray close to him and kisses their forehead, and they fall asleep like this, curled into each other.

 

***

Ray plans on calling Michael, they really do, but when they reach for their phone, they just can’t seem to grip it. So they get up first, and force themself to eat two bowls of cereal. They still can’t so they play Xbox for a while, all jittery fingers and toes. Ray goes for the phone again, but nothing in them has enough courage to actually pick it up in dial, so they just stumble around the room for half an hour, anxious muttering to themself and wondering why Gavin is not awake yet since it is noon already. Finally, Ray can’t take it anymore and just picks up the phone and punches Michael’s name, and it rings once and Michael picks up quickly, his breath echoing across the line, quick and shallow.

“Hello, Ray?”

Ray’s tongue feels like it’s glued to the roof of their mouth, but they manage to peel it off and whisper a dense and quiet, “Hi.”

“Oh, Jesus, are you okay? It’s like 12 and you hadn’t called, I was worried Gavin stole your phone or you got kidnapped or fucking something.”

“You sound like a mom.”

Ray can practically hear Michael’s grin through the phone as he replies, “You sound like a fucking asshole.”

Ray laughs a little bit, because he says it the way he always has, from the first day they actually talked, a phone call when Ray was still in high school and Michael was barely out, and Michael just spoke in this way that made Ray melt. Michael’s voice was soft and endearing, but it didn’t tread carefully, it was breathy and giggling, and for the first time in their life, Ray felt like someone wasn’t treating them like they were fragile or crushing them beneath their feet. Ray felt like a person again.

That day filled Ray’s mind again and Ray just fucking speaks it into the phone with one shallow breath, “I love you, Michael.”

There’s no hesitation and Michael just answers easily, “I love you too, Ray.”

Ray knows that from here on out, it’s all gonna be okay, no matter what.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so hi. It's the last chapter. This fic was so much fun to do and I'm planning on doing a podfic of it at some point. Thanks for all the support and I hope you all enjoy.
> 
> trigger warnings: food, vermin, pda.

When Ray wakes up one night a week later, gasping for air, sweat covering their face, panic fills them. _Alone, oh god, so alone_. Tears are streaming down their face, but then they feel an arm reach for them, and a silhouette sits up beside them.

“Ray, are you alright?” Michael says, zir face outlined by the early morning sunlight streaming through the blinds.

“Mmf, yeah you okay?” Gavin raises himself to his elbows on the other side of Ray, obviously trying to pull himself from the throes of sleep and failing terribly.

Ray shakes their head and that’s when the last week shoves its way back into their mind: kissing both of them, the three of them discussing the future, long talks into the night, watching the two of them get drunk, telling them their darkest secrets, Gavin and Michael firmly deciding to stay the night once they heard about Ray’s nightmares.

“Sorry, just. Just another nightmare. It’s okay. I’m okay.”

“You sure?”

“They sound pretty sure, Michael, let’s sleep.” Gavin slurs, dropping his head back to the pillow.

Michael looks at Ray and shakes zir head, laughing a little, and Ray takes the opportunity to kiss Michael, right then.

“What was that for?” Michael’s smiling and holding Ray’s arm lightly, fingers brushing over the skin there, slowly.

“For… being here.” Ray says, finally finding just the right words.

***

 

Kerry grins at Ray, “So, you’re dating two of your best friends and you didn’t tell me till now? What am I, chopped liver?”

Ray smiles at that, answering back, “I think you’re more of a brussel sprout, but whatever floats your boat.”

Kerry shoves their shoulder lightly, Ray laughing loudly.

“I’m actually planning on coming out to the office soon, so that’s exciting.”

Kerry nods his head, “Cool. How? Letter? Grand announcement? A cake proclaiming ‘I AM A NONBINARY INDIVIDUAL AND WOULD LIKE TO BE REFERRED TO WITH THEY/THEM/THEIR PRONOUNS’? I’m not sure how that last one could fit on a cake but we can work on it.”

“I don’t know? Email?”

“Skywriting?”

“Spell it out on the floor in sunflower seeds so slowly the rats will eat it and leave it in rat shit?”

“I can call you rat shit crazy then.”

“Just call me Seedy Gonzalez.”

“You’ve been spending too much time with Barbara.”

“I HEARD THAT!” Barbara yells from down the hall.

***

 

“Fuck. Oh god, never mind I can’t do this, I can’t do this.” Ray says, pacing back and forth. They’re in the kitchen, and in the next room nearly every Roosterteeth employee has gathered to hear Ray’s announcement.

“Ray, Ray. Look at me. Okay,” Gavin says, holding Ray by the shoulders and looking in their eyes, “Ray, you can do it. I believe in you.”

Michael leans in and adds zir opinions, “And if you don’t think it’s the right time or something, that’s alright. It’s your choice. Just know that I believe in you, too, asshole.”

Ray steels themself, and just nods, walking through the door into the next room, Michael, Kerry, and Gavin trailing behind them. When they walk in, the first person they see is Geoff, who grins happily and gives them all a big thumbs up.

“Hey, guys. I’m Ray.”

“WE KNOW, FUCKWAD!” Ryan yells from two rows from the front.

Michael grins and picks up a microphone, “The R and R connection, strong as ever, I see.”

A couple people in the crowd laugh, Ryan’s the loudest.

“So, I have an announcement to make. Many of you saw that tweet from earlier this year, so I’m just gonna come out and say it. I’m transgender. Nonbinary actually. I’d like to go by they/them/theirs pronouns. When I was growing up I had a lot of issues with family and friends not accepting me. I couldn’t even accept myself for a really long time, so to have a group of people around me that support me has helped me so much. Thanks to everyone who got me here.”

“Also, if you have questions about what nonbinary is, fucking google it, you all have computers.”, Michael interjects.

“Yeah. Right. Um, anyways, just thanks to everyone. Also, you might as well get used to it, ‘cause I’m not going anywhere.” Ray grins at Michael and Gavin, who grin right back.

***

 

Michael follows directly after, listing zir pronouns loudly and saying something lighthearted about murder. Gavin makes a vine that involves him jumping into Geoff’s arms and yelling, “I’M TRANSGENDER!” then, running and kissing Michael and Ray on the cheeks and yelling, “AND POLYAMOROUS.” and leaping in the air for a freeze frame finish. Kerry actually does bake a cake which he ceremoniously reveals to Miles who promptly jumps into his arms and shouts, “Yes, I will marry you!” before pretending to notice what the cake actually says and going, “Oh. Cool, man. I’m proud of you.” Kerry serves it to the whole office, saying, “Yup! I’m trans!” to everyone who gets a piece.

Some people struggle with the pronouns, but no one’s an asshole about it, always apologizing. Gavin starts calling them ‘Team Trans Lads’ in videos, which most of the fans like. The worst response comes from the transphobic fans, but everyone in the office gets angry about it at least once or twice a week. Matt makes a video talking about transphobia, listing facts off, using it as a platform for education, ending it with a clip of Kerry, Ray, Gav, and Michael yelling, “We’re trans, so shut the fuck up!”

***

 

Ray wakes up to the smell of toast and enthusiastic shaking on their left arm.

“What is it, Gav?”

“Michael and I made breakfast!”

“Actually,” Michael says, while walking in, “it was mostly me. He kind of just annoyed me for twenty minutes.”

“Aw, Michael, come on. You were smiling the whole time, you loved it.”

“Yeah, yeah, come here.” Michael leans over and kisses Gavin on the mouth.

Ray grins at the display before them.

“Stop just grinning and get up or we’re gonna be late for work.”

“Yeah, yeah, just give me a minute.”

Gavin snickers, “You’re gonna have a little wank, right?”

Ray just rolls their eyes as the door shuts behind him. Everything’s changed. Ray knows now, it’s for the better. They can’t imagine how life would’ve been if none of this had ever happened, but they are so glad it did.

“GET IT IN HERE, YOU WANKER!”

Ray grins and sighs, shuffling out the door. There they sit, their new family, grinning up at them from the kitchen table, and by god, there is no one else in the world that Ray loves more.


End file.
